Featured Image: @saracovey
Article By: Michaela Kowalski
Dear The First,
Let me be clear; it was more than you smothering me with your love that drove me away. I wanted to give you a shot, and I really did, but you were disgustingly and overwhelmingly clingy. When you love someone, do not and I repeat DO NOT, smother them with your love. But regardless, I still gave it a shot one too many times simply out of pity, and in hopes, it would change
You spent so much time pining after me that it honestly felt like an infatuation and a verge of becoming an obsession. And with time we finally drove apart due to my constant demand to have space, or at least I thought and hoped so. That’s when I finally snapped; it was time for me to be as blunt as I possibly could — in hopes you could finally get the message, “You are making me incredibly uncomfortable. I asked you not talk to me anymore; please leave me the f. alone.” You still didn’t listen; you again bombarded me with texts, apologies for said texts, you did everything in your power to always communicate with me. Even after a multitude times of me blocking your cell phone, all of the Facebook profiles you created, and all of your social media platforms.
I couldn’t escape you, it felt like suffocating and overwhelming. Ugh, you disgust me, and I cannot even put it into words how much you make me sick. But thank you for teaching me, that you should never overwhelm the person you love with your love. Clinginess that is on the verge of smothering is not cute.
Dear The Second,
I’ll be blunt; you terrified the living shit out of me. For the longest time, you taught me that men are supposed to be manipulative and controlling — and where women had no place to talk back or voice their opinions in the relationship, let alone say no to their significant other. You learned this far from your father after all that’s how you were taught – so, father like son. Soon after that, you implemented that behavior in our relationship.
Your anger was volatile, and I never thought I’d admit how terrified I was of you during that year and a half. I genuinely thought you could hurt me if you wanted to. But during that time we were together, you made me scared shitless, and I genuinely knew that you had the control in the relationship and I had nothing. I stayed faithfully by your side for that entire time, but during it, you stripped me from my voice, my best friend of fifteen years solely on the fact you saw him as a threat, my confidence and so much more. But because of you, I questioned myself and the entire male species entirely. So, f.ck you, but thank you for obliterating my worth and destroying me so severely, for me to grow and recognize my worth. But, I still don’t forgive you for the shit you did.
Dear The Third,
You were my first relationship after assshat. I proceeded with incredible caution because it was hard to know what to expect because I didn’t have perfect examples previously. Our relationship was perhaps the least toxic out all of the ones I’ve had, but what you did still didn’t minimize the pain any less. If you are with someone, do not fake your feelings for them and continue to lie about them because it’ll honestly hurt them more in the end. To whoever reading this — you are not worthy of a half-assed love, you are worthy of wholehearted love.
Our relationship had always been different, you treated me better than the other two. Although something about us had always been off since the beginning of it. Initially, I thought it was the timing proving us wrong, but it was mainly on the fact that we worked better off as friends because we were too similar. But regardless, you faking your feelings for me both times we got back together didn’t hurt any less. So, thank you for teaching me that I deserve way more than a half-assed type of love.
Dear The Fourth,
I wish it were easier to start this, but it isn’t because I still hold you incredibly close to my heart. You are a lot closer than I’d like to admit because you are by far the hardest person I have to let go of in regards to relationships. Hell, you are the person that I can’t let go of and don’t think I ever will want to because of how much you helped me find myself. You came into my life when I needed someone like you around, but out of nowhere you flipped the switch on me, and I didn’t recognize the guy I fell in love with. This guy that you turned into was the one to make me inject my veins with self-doubt and unnecessary anxieties about myself almost like it was heroin.
Only for months later, we found ourselves returning to one another. We discovered a lot about ourselves and our relationship during the months of not talking as of this moment you’ve enlisted into the Army, and I’m still attending University. I always remember when you told me that you were entering basic training, my heart had fallen because I knew it was something I wasn’t ready to handle –the thought of losing you forever just put a severe ache in my heart.
Honestly, I don’t know what to say to you anymore because I know that we both no longer recognize the person we look at when we Facetime. All I know is for sure, you definitely will always have a place in my heart, and like your letter, it goes unfinished, like us.